


Ten Rules for Wooing a Living Human

by Selden



Category: Spirit - George Roux (Painting 1885)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Ghastly Apparitions, Ghosts, Mention of kippers, implied pegging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:14:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28137516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selden/pseuds/Selden
Summary: Remember, ectoplasm is flexible! (Please note, the author takes no responsibility for any Peculiar Extensions or Unforeseen Transformations that may occur).
Comments: 13
Kudos: 27
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Ten Rules for Wooing a Living Human

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roguefaerie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/gifts).



  1. Display yourself to advantage. Remember, ectoplasm is flexible! Was your moustache scanty in life, your _coiffure_ limp, or your posture shockingly slack? Fear not! In your new malleable state, the mere exercise of Willpower and Vim will allow you to make Remarkable Advances. (Please note, the author takes no responsibility for any Peculiar Extensions or Unforeseen Transformations that may occur).



  1. While a certain amount of alarm on the part of your mortal Beau, or Lady Friend, may be unavoidable, and may in fact add a delicate _frisson_ to your romance, remember to reassure! The living are frequently skittish and unreasonable in the presence of the Spiritual Bodies of the deceased. Treat the object of your affections gently, and they will respond by ceasing to faint at inconvenient moments.



  1. Conversely, remember that Rivals in Love are often susceptible to a Gentle Reminder in the form of a Ghastly Apparition. Here, your humble correspondent suggests rattling chains, faint but chilling moans, sweet childlike laughter in the shivering dark, and if feasible the removal of your head. These little contrivances will often send an unwanted fellow-suitor or a young lady with Designs running, to put it crudely, for the hills.



  1. Beware, however, of Inducing Exorcisms. An injudicious use of Terrifying Spectral Apparitions will sometimes result in a nice young man coming round with bell, book, and candle. This is Very Embarrassing For All Concerned, and not conducive to the tender passions.



  1. Avoid seances, table-rapping sessions, and especially mediums. They are terribly tiresome and will make you answer questions about Aunts.



  1. Chose your setting wisely! Naturally, one is constrained by certain limitations, such as dawn, cockcrow, location of bones, location of demise, location of loved ones, location of objects of terrible vengeance, preference for clean fresh country air, and so forth. Remember, the new ‘electric’ lights are not a physical limitation, merely a mental one! Phantoms have manifested quite successfully even under the staggering illumination of one, two, or even more than ten electric lamps. Take courage, gentle reader. If you are not fortunate enough to haunt a castle, stately home, or picturesque rural crossroads, even the most humble dwelling can prove a starting-point for Romance, should you display yourself, say, pensively gazing out of the window, rather than lurking underneath the stairs or hovering unbecomingly in a gloomy cellar. Dankness, however pleasant to ethereal flesh, is the enemy of Charming Presentation. My own dear Thierry first laid eyes on me as I sat playing a haunting tune of indescribable beauty, as he later described it. In point of fact I am aware that my fingerwork is sadly lacking and that the only tune I could remember with sufficient acuity was _Boiled Beef and Carrots_ , a lively melody but not one of surpassing grace. It is the first impression which counts! As a spectre, you are possessed of an undeniably Spiritual Air. This may be used to its best advantage with only a modicum of forethought and perhaps some judicious application of the strategies advised in point 1.



  1. Delight the object of your affections with Interesting Reminiscences of Times Past! Once they have ceased to faint, flee, or suffer palpitations at your presence, the living will often display a lively interest in Days of Yore. I would advise a little gentle subterfuge in such conversations, where appropriate. For instance, a young man of today is likely to believe a glowing spectre who informs him she was once the daughter of a nobleman, even if the spectre in question is quite clearly dressed as an alewife. Do please, however, exercise restraint. We cannot all be Queen Anne Boleyn, especially as the lady in question takes an extremely dim view of such impersonations.



  1. Remember to take an Intelligent Interest in the present day. Not only will this assisit you in keeping abreast of Fashion, it may reveal items of important Common Liking. A printer’s apprentice of my acquaintance from Southwark, 5th of May, 1621, Pleurisy and Eels, once won the heart of a young gentleman of the 1830s by displaying a fascination – quite genuine, I can assure you - with the Steam Engine. I am happy to say that as the deceased party haunted not a place, but a volume of Disreputable Verse, the couple were able to ride the new railways the length and breadth of the nation, and now divide their time between haunting the British Library and Euston Station.



  1. While physical materialisations and the levitation of small objects are frequently dismissed as vulgar frivolities, unbefitting of the refined Spectre, it may well be expedient to practise them, albeit discreetly. Without wishing to be indelicate, a certain expertise in these simple skills can yield remarkable dividends in the arena of The Passions. My own dear Thierry and myself grew quite fond of both my own materialisation abilities and my increasing facility with an Ivory Instrument of considerable girth. Dear reader, I wish you the same felicity! Remember, regular practice will, one hopes, make perfect.



  1. Your beloved, at some point, will die! Dear reader, I understand that you may long for this eventuality with considerable ardour, on account of the dividends in terms of shared Experiences, Sensibilities, and Abilities the happy event will hopefully bestow. But do remember your beloved’s feelings on the matter may be more undecided, and never, on any account, attempt to hasten the process. For reasons that quite escape me, the living are remarkably touchy about this sort of thing. You do not wish to replace a longed-for Spiritual Union with the dedicated attentions of a Vengeful Spectre. My dear Thierry (Paris, 7th of October, 1886, Poisoning) took almost six months to forgive me for his demise, even though I could not possibly have known the kipper was much too elderly for safe consumption. Mostly, I feel, he resents being accompanied in the afterlife by the shade of a small fish. I have informed him it only adds to his charm, and I am pleased to report that, one recent stormy and rain-tossed night, I saw him secretly stroking its shiny silver head and attempting, with no particular success, to teach it to moan. I await developments with interest, and intend to inform him – eventually – that I have already taught it to answer to ‘Cupid’, in affectionate recognition of its assistance in shuffling off dear Thierry’s mortal coil. But enough about me (Abingdon, 22nd of June, 1339, Exsanguination)! Dear reader, I wish you the very best of luck. May all your moans be ghastly, all your nights be lengthy, and may all your darlings have a fondness for the dark.




End file.
